Indianapolis Colts offensive lineman Braden Smith faced an internal struggle far more challenging than any opponent he encountered last season, ultimately leading him to step away from football for his mental well-being.
Smith, 29, abruptly missed the final five games of the year and was placed on the reserve/non-football illness list. He was later diagnosed with religious scrupulosity – a condition rooted in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) characterized by intrusive thoughts and compulsions centered around themes of faith, sin, and adherence to religious practices.
As Smith described his experience to the Indy Star, he felt caught between two opposing forces:
“There’s the actual, real, true, living God,” he explained. “And then there’s my OCD god, and the OCD god is this condemning (deity). It’s like every wrong move you make, it’s like smacking the ruler against his hand. ‘Another bad move like that, and you’re out of here.’”
This internal conflict consumed him to the point where he felt disconnected from everything important in his life.
“I was physically present, but I was nowhere to be found. I did not care about playing football. I didn’t care about hanging out with my family, with my wife, with my newborn son.… I (felt like) was a month away from putting a bullet through my brain.”
To manage his condition, Smith initially pursued conventional treatments including medication and daily therapy; however, these provided only limited relief. The turning point came before Thanksgiving when his wife, Courtney, presented him with a difficult choice.
- Continue with the existing treatment plan of medication and therapy.
- Step away from football entirely and enter an intensive mental health facility.
Recognizing the severity of the situation, Smith chose to seek more comprehensive care at a facility in Colorado, initially planning for a four-week stay that ultimately extended to 48 days.
Desperate for relief, Smith explored alternative therapies, including Ibogaine—a psychoactive substance with psychedelic properties and illegal status in the United States. Although Ibogaine itself didn’t yield immediate results, Smith’s journey led him to experience a breakthrough through 5-MeO-DMT, a synthetic version of a naturally occurring psychedelic found in plants and some toad venoms.
This experience profoundly altered his perspective. “I felt like I was back in touch with the real God, and was intimately one with Him,” Smith stated. He described it as an exorcism of sorts, freeing him from the grip of the OCD-driven “condemning deity.”
“I still have OCD, but it doesn’t have a hold over me. It doesn’t dictate my life.”
The Indianapolis Colts are optimistic about Smith’s return to the field.
“Getting Braden Smith back, and he’s in a great spot,” said Colts general manager Chris Ballard via the Indy Star. “I think people forget how good Braden is.”
Smith has dedicated his entire seven-year career to the Colts, having been selected with a second-round pick in the 2018 NFL Draft from Auburn University.
